I'm taking a break from the Little Boy Joys for a couple of days. My head has been swirling and processing some recent family events, and I need a little time to let it all soak in. I have always tried to be a person of sincere transparency - what you see is what you get. And posting about joys right now felt more like a mask, a facade of life being great, when in reality, life has thrown me for a bit of a loop.
This week I got a call from Mom saying she had seen yet another doctor about a spot on her leg. A spot that has been there for years. A spot that five different physicians have dismissed without any concern whatsoever, even as recently as late February of this year. This time the doctor shared Mom's concern, all of our concern. The doctor biopsied the spot that day, and the results showed that it is Melanoma - Stage IB.
I have had a much easier time using the word "Melanoma" than the "c" word. Cancer. It took me almost two full days to even register "cancer" in my brain. And saying it out loud for the first time was like a punch in the gut - literally knocked the wind out of me.
I know all about the grieving cycle - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, Hope. I can't remember a time in my life when I've been able to identify the "denial" as clearly as I can in my inability to say "cancer." It's like if I don't say it, that's not what it is. Grief does strange things to your brain, doesn't it? I believe it's all in an effort to help protect you until you can process through things.
So I've been processing. Bits and pieces at a time. It's been an emotional roller coaster this week, but I have been greatly comforted that Mom and I are able to laugh and cry together. We've had our serious moments, but we've been able to find lighthearted moments as well. And I think that has been good for both of our souls. Just like God's word says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine." (Proverbs 17:22)
As for the prognosis, we have every reason to believe that this cancer can be beaten. And though the doctors are optimistic, at the end of the day, I'm resting more in this truth than their words: a "c" word like cancer is no match for THE "C" word of Christ. There is power in just speaking His name. And I am so grateful that God's word promises:
"The moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." (Romans 8:26-28, MSG)
Amen.
6 comments:
Your mom and family are in my prayers. I have no doubt in my mind that you will all get through this and it will be like a speed bump in the road. My family has had this same type of cancer and it's been treated successfully several times. I'm thinking of you and sending a giant hug your way.
...that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
amen. love you so big. mom
Prayers for your dear mother, those who treat her and those who love her. Hanging onto the big "C" is the greatest hope.
Best
Bonnie
You sure do have a beautiful way of sharing your heart. I just wish I were close by so I could come give you a big hug and just sit with you for a while. Despite this being such a difficult time, the joy you have in Christ is still so evident. That's why I am beyond proud to call you my friend.
I'm so glad you and your mom have each other to laugh and cry with. That truly is the best medicine! I am praying over the specific requests you sent yesterday and will continue to do so until you have any updates. I love you!
So beautifully written. I just love how your heart and mind work, Amanda.
To change the subject for a moment...I watched that show "19 Kids and Counting" recently and the episode showed the Duggers as they received the awful news that their baby had no heartbeat. After the technician delivered the news, Michelle Dugger replied with tears in her eyes, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." One of my MOPs friends pointed this out, but it amazed me that regardless of what happens in the Dugger family, they actually *think* in scripture.
I see the same wonderful quality in you - the ability to take your difficult, emotional week and apply God's Word for comfort. Amazing! And, as it should be. Your faith is an inspiration. I love you!
Oh Amanda, I too cannot say the "c" word. I just can't. It's so hard to even read about it and yet I have such positive feelings that it will be beaten!!!! You have been on my mind and heart since I heard the news. I know it is so hard on you to be separated from your sweet mother at this time......
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